1 00:00:27,370 --> 00:00:30,810 Good evening. It's good to be back with you once again, isn't it, Raleigh? 2 00:00:30,810 --> 00:00:34,370 Indeed it is. And in a packed program tonight, I shall be meeting Elasto, 3 00:00:34,670 --> 00:00:38,230 Britain's most depressed contortionist, who last week tried to bend it all. 4 00:00:40,330 --> 00:00:43,630 And then I'll be looking at three landscape paintings. 5 00:00:44,370 --> 00:00:47,170 Paris, seen through the eyes of a Paris artist. 6 00:00:47,470 --> 00:00:50,270 Madrid, seen through the eyes of a Madrid artist. 7 00:00:50,570 --> 00:00:51,590 And Pisa... 8 00:00:55,470 --> 00:00:57,390 Seen through the eyes of Dean Martin. 9 00:00:59,510 --> 00:01:00,690 But first, the news. 10 00:01:01,290 --> 00:01:04,890 In Parliament today, opposition members claimed that the government's enthusiasm 11 00:01:04,890 --> 00:01:08,990 for law and order could lead to innocent people being punished by an act dating 12 00:01:08,990 --> 00:01:10,290 back to 1729. 13 00:01:10,690 --> 00:01:11,890 Paul Daniels. 14 00:01:14,470 --> 00:01:20,110 On the industrial front, Arthur Scargill admitted tonight that he is a three 15 00:01:20,110 --> 00:01:21,450 -shredded -wheat -a -day man. 16 00:01:22,090 --> 00:01:24,590 He eats two and wears the other one on his head. 17 00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:34,430 The workforce at Bryant and May's matches were amazed today when executive 18 00:01:34,430 --> 00:01:37,970 director Mr. L .F. Sprott was discovered wearing women's clothing. 19 00:01:38,470 --> 00:01:40,670 He later admitted to being a scorned vestite. 20 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:48,740 Claims that modern technology is destroying traditional sheep farming 21 00:01:48,740 --> 00:01:53,440 confirmed today when in the one -man -and -his -dog finals at Windermere, 22 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:57,540 portions of frozen lamb cutlets were rounded up by a radio -controlled pyjama 23 00:01:57,540 --> 00:01:58,540 case. 24 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:03,780 The Naskets, featuring Mr. Ronnie Corbett, direct from his first 25 00:02:03,780 --> 00:02:06,440 triumph in The Merchant of Venice as the pound of flesh. 26 00:02:15,600 --> 00:02:18,060 for a party, isn't it, darling? The great comedian. 27 00:02:18,860 --> 00:02:19,860 Terrific idea. 28 00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:20,900 I love it. 29 00:02:21,980 --> 00:02:23,380 It certainly is. 30 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:28,020 Thank you, Groucho. 31 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:34,400 Oh, that's good. Oh, that's very, very good. Yes. I don't think we've got a 32 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:35,400 sooty. 33 00:02:39,630 --> 00:02:43,190 Haven't come a sooty? Oh, haven't you? No, certainly not. Oh, well, it's just 34 00:02:43,190 --> 00:02:45,370 well, isn't it, really? I mean, you don't want to spend the rest of the 35 00:02:45,370 --> 00:02:46,990 with someone's hand up your jumper all night, do you? 36 00:02:48,230 --> 00:02:51,230 Nonetheless, is that French maid over there? Oh, no, that's supposed to be 37 00:02:51,230 --> 00:02:56,710 Marilyn Monroe as a French maid. Ah, well, she can dust my knick -knacks any 38 00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,710 time. 39 00:02:58,630 --> 00:03:01,450 So, which famous comedian have you come as, then? 40 00:03:04,880 --> 00:03:07,600 Isn't it rather, you know, isn't it rather obvious? 41 00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:09,500 No, no, can't place you, no, no. 42 00:03:10,060 --> 00:03:14,000 You know, I work on the telly a lot. Oh. 43 00:03:14,300 --> 00:03:16,380 Work on the telly. Oh, I see. Single act. 44 00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:17,800 No, no, no, no. Oh. 45 00:03:18,460 --> 00:03:19,820 There aren't seven of you, are there? 46 00:03:22,140 --> 00:03:28,480 No, certainly not. No, I work on the telly a lot with my big partner. 47 00:03:28,740 --> 00:03:32,890 Oh, your big partner, yes. Oh, call her. Of course I should have realized that. 48 00:03:33,750 --> 00:03:34,750 Basil Brush. 49 00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:38,570 How can you be so stupid? Do I have a bushy tail? 50 00:03:38,810 --> 00:03:42,010 I shouldn't do that about you. There's a chap over there. Come as Larry Grayson. 51 00:03:42,210 --> 00:03:45,850 He likes you. 52 00:03:46,810 --> 00:03:49,070 Now, I'll give you a little clue. 53 00:03:49,670 --> 00:03:51,050 A little what? A little clue. 54 00:03:51,310 --> 00:03:52,109 Oh, yes. 55 00:03:52,110 --> 00:03:55,130 My second name begins with C. 56 00:03:55,910 --> 00:03:57,170 C. Oh! 57 00:03:57,840 --> 00:03:58,840 Of course, yes. 58 00:03:58,980 --> 00:04:00,960 The chirpiness, yes, of course. 59 00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:02,260 Give a little whistle. 60 00:04:03,260 --> 00:04:04,260 Jiminy Cricket. 61 00:04:05,460 --> 00:04:09,580 No, no, no. I'll give you a further clue. Right. Not just C, Corbett. Oh, 62 00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:12,860 Corbett. Second name Corbett. Corbett. Harry Corbett and Sooty. Oh, two of 63 00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:16,700 We shall get your Harry Corbett later in the evening, shall we? No, you will not 64 00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:20,459 get my Harry Corbett because I have not come as Harry Corbett or Sooty or Basil 65 00:04:20,459 --> 00:04:25,140 Brush or Jiminy Cricket or one of the seven dwarves. I have come as Ronnie 66 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:26,140 Corbett. 67 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,200 Nothing like him. 68 00:04:29,660 --> 00:04:33,960 If I told you one of his stories, would you believe me in that? Yes, go on, tell 69 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:35,000 me one of his stories. Well, 70 00:04:37,220 --> 00:04:42,520 tonight's story... My producers suggested this story, by the way. And 71 00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:46,560 story concerns a little BBC party we all went to. It was one of these economical 72 00:04:46,560 --> 00:04:49,680 parties, you know, where they take away the barman's hearing aid. 73 00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:52,100 Nothing like him. 74 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,940 Nothing like it. No, no, Mike Yarwood doesn't matter that. 75 00:04:58,040 --> 00:05:03,800 Look, mate, I will tell you, not only have I come as Ronnie Corbett, but I am 76 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:07,900 Ronnie Corbett. You can't be. Why not? Because the real Ronnie Corbett happens 77 00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:08,900 to be over there. 78 00:05:12,340 --> 00:05:13,520 Good heavens. 79 00:05:13,740 --> 00:05:14,740 There you are, you see. 80 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:16,280 Basil Brush. 81 00:05:16,820 --> 00:05:18,780 I am not Basil Brush. 82 00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:20,980 Basil, my favourite. 83 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:27,200 I always... Take my little battle breath doll to bed with me every night. 84 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:29,800 Look, I don't care if you take it. Really? 85 00:05:31,380 --> 00:05:35,620 Really? Oh, yeah. And cuddle up to him. And mmm. 86 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,020 Want to come to my place for coffee? 87 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:40,760 Some like it hot. 88 00:05:41,180 --> 00:05:42,540 Ha, ha, ha. 89 00:05:55,600 --> 00:06:00,980 When I feel things, a very big Motown hit of the 60s, taken from his second 90 00:06:00,980 --> 00:06:05,080 successful solo album, Hello, I Must Be Going. Ladies and gentlemen, Phil 91 00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:07,440 Collins with You Can't Hurry Love. 92 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:30,600 I need to find time, someone to call mine. My mama said, you can't hurry 93 00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:33,040 No, you'll just have to wait. 94 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,660 She said, love don't come easy. 95 00:06:36,260 --> 00:06:38,540 But it's a game of faith I take. 96 00:06:38,780 --> 00:06:40,420 You can't hurry love. 97 00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,920 No, you'll just have to wait. 98 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,900 Just trust in my good time. 99 00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:51,940 No matter how long it takes. How many heartaches must I say? 100 00:06:53,130 --> 00:06:57,250 Before I found the love to let me live again. 101 00:06:57,850 --> 00:07:02,310 Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on. 102 00:07:02,950 --> 00:07:04,950 When I feel my strength. 103 00:07:05,650 --> 00:07:12,410 It's almost gone. I remember mama said. I know you'll just have to wait. 104 00:07:12,730 --> 00:07:15,130 She said love don't come easy. 105 00:07:15,830 --> 00:07:22,370 It's a game I'll play and take. How long must I wait? How much more must I take? 106 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:59,200 Well, it's a game of give and take. You can't hurry, love. 107 00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:01,680 No, you just have to wait. 108 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:04,820 Just trust in the good times. 109 00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:08,040 No matter how long it takes. And I'm free. 110 00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:13,340 Now, love, love, it don't come easy. 111 00:08:14,180 --> 00:08:18,300 But I keep on waiting on this love. 112 00:09:10,540 --> 00:09:14,680 of stealth and total obscurity with special responsibility for limbs and 113 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:19,340 And I'm here tonight to talk to you about your bodies and what can be done 114 00:09:19,340 --> 00:09:22,900 improve them. Now, here is a photograph of my secretary, Miss Bedtime. 115 00:09:24,420 --> 00:09:28,300 Now, what could be done to improve her body? Well, not a lot. 116 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:34,020 But let us face it, which I do quite frequently, couldn't it be better if her 117 00:09:34,020 --> 00:09:37,260 bosom was round at the back? I mean, think of the advantages. 118 00:09:39,820 --> 00:09:41,420 dancing would be given an added pleasure. 119 00:09:45,260 --> 00:09:48,080 It would certainly liven up page four of the Sun. 120 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,920 And it would be a shot in the arm for the British haversack industry. 121 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:59,560 In fact, Hollywood has already signed Dolly Parton to have the operation and 122 00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:01,660 play the lead in the remake of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. 123 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:07,560 Technology already exists to bring about these changes. I myself have had 124 00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,280 several parts of my body attended to. 125 00:10:09,740 --> 00:10:11,620 as my secretary, Miss Bedtime, will attest. 126 00:10:12,060 --> 00:10:14,820 Now, you might think I'm talking out of the back of my head, but I'm not. 127 00:10:15,180 --> 00:10:18,620 But I could do if I wish, because that's where I have my extra mouth. 128 00:10:19,420 --> 00:10:22,320 An alternative place for the mouth, of course, is in the top of the head. 129 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,380 This means you can put your breakfast in your hat and eat it going to work. 130 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,760 Now, here is someone else who has an extra mouth. 131 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,140 I am not at liberty to say where it is. 132 00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:49,880 on mouth and trousers. 133 00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:55,860 Let me give you a few examples of the improvements we are capable of. 134 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,600 Now, what is odd about this man? 135 00:11:01,620 --> 00:11:03,180 That's right, he's an Australian. 136 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:07,260 And he has three legs. 137 00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:13,160 But what uses a third leg? Well, over here is a composite picture of Mr. 138 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,520 Bird, the famous English umpire. 139 00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:21,500 That does away with the need for wickets. 140 00:11:23,020 --> 00:11:26,100 The idea is to try and hit one of his legs and knock his bales off. 141 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,560 No more will you be able to make the excuse that you've only got one pair of 142 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,380 hands because now you will be able to have two pairs of hands. 143 00:11:37,220 --> 00:11:40,960 Boon for the man whose wife tells him he doesn't appreciate her. Now he will be 144 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:44,340 able to show his appreciation by giving her a cuddle and a round of applause at 145 00:11:44,340 --> 00:11:45,340 the same time. 146 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,280 a lot of conjecture about the best place to put the third eye. 147 00:11:51,800 --> 00:11:54,920 Now, many people suggest that the navel is simply begging for an eye. 148 00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:58,440 Then, of course, where would we put the salt when we were eating our crisps in 149 00:11:58,440 --> 00:11:59,440 bed? 150 00:12:02,740 --> 00:12:06,180 Many people have suggested that the best place for a third eye would be the end 151 00:12:06,180 --> 00:12:07,079 of this finger. 152 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,440 And I can see the advantages. 153 00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:14,080 What about the benefit of hindsight? 154 00:12:18,830 --> 00:12:21,430 would be perfect for keeping an eye on the bathroom door whilst searching for 155 00:12:21,430 --> 00:12:22,430 the soap. 156 00:12:26,310 --> 00:12:29,970 Now, what about an extra ear, I hear you say? Although, of course, if I do hear 157 00:12:29,970 --> 00:12:33,950 you say that, why do I need an extra ear? Well, I don't. But consider someone 158 00:12:33,950 --> 00:12:36,630 who is using a Sonny Walkman. Here we are. 159 00:12:36,910 --> 00:12:40,510 Now, thus rendering themselves oblivious to all that's going on around them. 160 00:12:41,110 --> 00:12:43,690 But if they had an extra ear, like so... 161 00:12:46,570 --> 00:12:49,670 could still listen to their Sonny Walkman with the added benefit that they 162 00:12:49,670 --> 00:12:52,030 also be able to hear the juggernaut just before it hit them. 163 00:12:56,190 --> 00:13:01,330 Now, for those desiring additional limbs and organs, special hospitals have been 164 00:13:01,330 --> 00:13:04,950 set up throughout the country to accommodate you. For instance, anyone 165 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:07,790 extra hands will be dealt with here at Handsworth. 166 00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:13,330 And we have additional specialist hospitals here at Neasden, Henley, 167 00:13:13,570 --> 00:13:15,430 Liverpool, Musselburgh. 168 00:13:17,030 --> 00:13:18,790 And, of course, Hampton Wick. 169 00:13:22,330 --> 00:13:23,330 Excuse me. 170 00:13:34,530 --> 00:13:35,530 Yes? 171 00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:37,430 Where are you speaking from? 172 00:13:37,710 --> 00:13:38,990 Oh, don't be silly. 173 00:13:40,090 --> 00:13:41,630 Someone talking through their hat. 174 00:13:42,870 --> 00:13:44,550 Now, turning to the nose... 175 00:13:44,750 --> 00:13:48,950 realise that we spend over ten million pounds a year on disposable tissues, so 176 00:13:48,950 --> 00:13:51,950 we propose to save all that money with the disposable nose. 177 00:13:52,470 --> 00:13:57,510 These will come in convenient boxes here of ten, or one if you happen to be 178 00:13:57,510 --> 00:13:58,510 Barry Manilow. 179 00:13:59,810 --> 00:14:01,070 And there you have it. 180 00:14:01,690 --> 00:14:02,930 Good Lord, is that the time? 181 00:14:25,870 --> 00:14:27,050 why he lived in paradise. 182 00:14:30,010 --> 00:14:32,450 You don't like women, do you? 183 00:14:33,610 --> 00:14:34,610 Not a lot. 184 00:14:35,150 --> 00:14:37,670 You was married, though, wasn't you? 185 00:14:37,950 --> 00:14:42,450 Oh, yeah, yeah. My wife came from a fine old English family. 186 00:14:43,410 --> 00:14:45,390 Unfortunately, she brought it with her. 187 00:14:47,170 --> 00:14:50,230 Is that why you took the road then, was it? 188 00:14:50,450 --> 00:14:54,310 No, no. I took the road because she was stupid. 189 00:14:55,130 --> 00:15:00,070 That's why I told her my great -grandfather was killed at Waterloo, and 190 00:15:00,070 --> 00:15:01,850 said, which platform? 191 00:15:03,510 --> 00:15:07,870 And so and so, as if the platform mattered. 192 00:15:09,830 --> 00:15:10,830 Exactly. 193 00:15:11,550 --> 00:15:16,150 And she was kind of blind and all, and never told me. 194 00:15:16,810 --> 00:15:18,770 Well, how do you find out? 195 00:15:19,330 --> 00:15:21,950 Well, she made a rhubarb pie... 196 00:15:37,180 --> 00:15:43,000 flogged ten seamen today, keelhauled four, clapped three in arms. 197 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:45,320 Quite a light day, really. 198 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:47,600 But I hear mutiny. 199 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:53,500 I know that the first mate, Fletcher Christian, plans to take over the ship. 200 00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:55,360 Come here. 201 00:15:57,400 --> 00:16:01,740 What is it, Mr. Christian? Captain Bly, I am to tell you that I am to relieve 202 00:16:01,740 --> 00:16:04,120 you of your command and take over the ship. 203 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,460 You mean you're going to mutiny? Yes. 204 00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:11,950 You and the members of the crew loyal to you will be put in the longboat. With 205 00:16:11,950 --> 00:16:16,450 such provisions as we can spare, I and the remainder of the men shall set sail 206 00:16:16,450 --> 00:16:18,530 for a new life on the high seas. 207 00:16:18,910 --> 00:16:20,490 You mutinous dog! 208 00:16:20,850 --> 00:16:23,070 This day will live in infamy. 209 00:16:23,290 --> 00:16:28,550 The name Fletcher Christian will forever go down in history as a disloyal 210 00:16:28,550 --> 00:16:34,390 traitor. Nay, the name of Captain Bly will go down as a cruel despot. 211 00:16:35,280 --> 00:16:39,320 high seas. That's as may be. One thing is certain, that this incident, this 212 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:45,620 shipboard rebellion, will forever be known and renowned as the mutiny on the 213 00:16:45,620 --> 00:16:46,620 Skylark. 214 00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,100 So be it. 215 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:51,840 But no, wait. 216 00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:54,760 What? We can't, this is awful. You're not going to mutiny? 217 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:59,660 No, no, no, we're going to mutiny. Yes, of course mutiny, but mutiny on the 218 00:16:59,660 --> 00:17:03,120 Skylark. I mean, so wet, isn't it? Well, it is, yes. 219 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:04,740 I mean, it's so sort of... 220 00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:08,520 Sissy, really, isn't it? I mean, it's like a bunch of office cleaners on a day 221 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:09,520 trip round the lighthouse. 222 00:17:10,579 --> 00:17:11,920 I never liked the name myself. 223 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,960 No, we were never taken seriously. I mean, even when they launched the ship, 224 00:17:15,060 --> 00:17:16,500 they used a bottle of orangeade. 225 00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:22,079 In history, when the incident is mentioned, mutiny on the Skylark, people 226 00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:23,420 simply snigger, you know. 227 00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:25,500 Snigger. Oh, poof. 228 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:28,720 It's your fault, really. 229 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,900 I mean, why did you call it the Skylark? It was my wife's favourite bird. 230 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:35,100 Why didn't you choose her second favourite bird? That's the great tit. 231 00:17:37,260 --> 00:17:40,860 But you're right, Christian. Our names will forever be a historical laughing 232 00:17:40,860 --> 00:17:43,620 stock. Like Ethelred the Unready and Alfred the Cake. 233 00:17:43,900 --> 00:17:47,420 Yes. I did so want to be a romantic hero. 234 00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:48,800 We could change it, of course. 235 00:17:49,060 --> 00:17:53,320 Could we? Why not? If we change it before you mutiny, then it won't be the 236 00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,280 mutiny on the Skylark, will it? It'll be mutiny upon the whatever. 237 00:17:56,780 --> 00:17:59,860 What a good idea. What could we change it to? Well, let's see. I mean, there 238 00:17:59,860 --> 00:18:05,020 must be millions of names, mustn't there? Millions. I mean, there's... 239 00:18:06,340 --> 00:18:07,620 what do they call ships these days? 240 00:18:07,860 --> 00:18:09,320 Usually after women. Women's names. 241 00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:11,880 Well, there we are. What women's names do we know, then? 242 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,200 My God, we have been at sea a long time. 243 00:18:18,220 --> 00:18:21,340 What about your wife? You call it after your wife? Yes, yes. What about that? 244 00:18:21,860 --> 00:18:23,260 Mutiny on the mural. 245 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:29,840 What about that little bit you met in Tahiti? That Polynesian piece, what was 246 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:30,559 her name? 247 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,640 Tahoa Aloa Aloa Wagga Wagga Ala Woo. 248 00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:38,220 Yes, well, in years to come, that should certainly sort them out at O -level. 249 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:41,040 I like calling it after the cabin boy. 250 00:18:41,580 --> 00:18:42,580 Jim Hawkins. 251 00:18:43,140 --> 00:18:46,880 Mutiny on the Jim Hawkins. Jim Hawkins is not a woman. 252 00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:48,100 No, no. 253 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:50,720 But on a Friday, he puts on a pretty little dress and a hat. 254 00:18:51,500 --> 00:18:53,120 Don't want any of that, thank you, Christian. 255 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:57,620 None of that on my ship. What we can do is call it anything we like. It doesn't 256 00:18:57,620 --> 00:19:01,340 have to be a woman's name. The very next thing that we think of, that's what 257 00:19:01,340 --> 00:19:02,820 we'll call it. Agreed? Agreed. 258 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:08,340 Come in. Mr. Christian, sir, have you taken over the ship? No, not yet. Not 259 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:12,940 In the meanwhile, will you put such provisions as we can spare in the 260 00:19:12,940 --> 00:19:13,879 for the captain? 261 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:15,420 We have very long provisions, sir. 262 00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:19,360 Well, I have some of those new chocolate bars in my locker. 263 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:21,740 Put them in as well, just for the time being. 264 00:19:21,940 --> 00:19:22,539 Oh, yes. 265 00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:23,960 That's it. Chocolate bars. 266 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:28,160 That's what we'll call the ship after. Your new chocolate bars. 267 00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:33,460 Indeed, then, in history, we will go down as serious and important people. Of 268 00:19:33,460 --> 00:19:35,780 course. Captain Bly, Fletcher Christian. 269 00:19:36,100 --> 00:19:37,760 And the mutiny. On the crunchy. 270 00:19:57,210 --> 00:20:00,790 As soon as he copper -plated a suspender and bra, you should have mighty caned 271 00:20:00,790 --> 00:20:01,790 his gerbils, shouldn't you? 272 00:20:02,190 --> 00:20:03,190 Of course you could, yeah. 273 00:20:04,110 --> 00:20:06,190 Cooked him on a Fagans and left him denture and truss. 274 00:20:07,070 --> 00:20:08,070 Yeah. Eh? 275 00:20:08,270 --> 00:20:09,270 Well, it's obvious, isn't it? 276 00:20:09,550 --> 00:20:10,690 Yeah. Not at all. 277 00:20:11,170 --> 00:20:12,690 Kipped her down the trousers, me old love. 278 00:20:13,810 --> 00:20:16,430 What was that all about, then? I haven't got a blind idea. 279 00:20:17,150 --> 00:20:18,150 Probably a wrong sandwich. 280 00:20:19,170 --> 00:20:20,170 You mean a wrong cucumber? 281 00:20:20,990 --> 00:20:22,630 Yeah, a wrong cucumber sandwich, yeah. 282 00:20:22,970 --> 00:20:24,310 He probably just wanted the Ilton. 283 00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:26,230 What, you mean a Milton? 284 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,800 Milton Keynes. 285 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:31,120 You know, Huey Greenes. No, no, no, he just wanted Hilton. You know what they 286 00:20:31,120 --> 00:20:32,660 say. I know, it's confusing, isn't it? 287 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,700 It's all beyond me, all this modern rabbit. 288 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:46,420 A policeman's lot is not a bowl of cherries. Tom and Jerry's. But the 289 00:20:46,420 --> 00:20:49,100 isn't rounding up a gang. Let them hang. 290 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,800 For today's police, the thing that really worries. Chicken curry. 291 00:20:53,020 --> 00:20:55,540 Is a keeping up with all the rhyming slang. 292 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:56,800 Who is it prank? 293 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:01,180 For your average modern rosa watches minder. 294 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:05,740 Organ grinder. Just the Sweeney. Juliet Bravo and the Bill. Jimmy Hill. 295 00:21:06,730 --> 00:21:08,470 A young 'un's talk is a reminder. 296 00:21:08,710 --> 00:21:12,070 Play the blinder. That you lack the modern conversation skill. 297 00:21:12,450 --> 00:21:13,389 Pebble mill. 298 00:21:13,390 --> 00:21:16,010 Get a modern cockney copper. Give the verbal. 299 00:21:16,210 --> 00:21:20,490 Dr. Goebbels. In a language never uttered by the Queen. Know what I mean. 300 00:21:20,770 --> 00:21:25,230 And the more mature policeman's blood just curdles. Latex girdle. And the 301 00:21:25,230 --> 00:21:27,790 sibling back Dixon of Doc Green. 302 00:21:28,150 --> 00:21:29,190 Mr. Clean. 303 00:21:29,590 --> 00:21:30,750 For the young. 304 00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:32,700 Longer generation copies able. 305 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:37,340 Coffee table. Two converting slang drivers up the pole. Bake and roll. 306 00:21:37,540 --> 00:21:41,640 So the station sounds just like the Tower of Babel. Benny Grable. When the 307 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,800 blokes all talk like Waterman and Cole. 308 00:21:44,140 --> 00:21:45,140 Down the old. 309 00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:47,300 Calling all jam jars. Calling all jam jars. 310 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,480 Proceeding once to the M40. Naughty, naughty. 311 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,260 Junction 5. Duck and dive. 312 00:21:51,500 --> 00:21:54,720 Where punch -up is taking place between owner of a Ford, four wheels and a Ford, 313 00:21:54,900 --> 00:21:57,920 and an inarticulated lorry driver. Don't forget the diver. 314 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:01,060 trucks have given the breathalyzer. 315 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:03,320 That doesn't work. Try fertilizer. 316 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:05,580 Roger and out. The big boy's out. 317 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:11,840 The policeman's lot is not for beer and skittles, peanut brittles. When a 318 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:14,140 perlin's called, he seldom does his bird. 319 00:22:14,380 --> 00:22:15,219 Richard the third. 320 00:22:15,220 --> 00:22:19,600 And the reason he keep getting these acquittals, large and little, is the 321 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,580 can't understand a blinking word. 322 00:22:21,860 --> 00:22:22,860 Deaf old turkey. 323 00:22:25,740 --> 00:22:28,540 Bingo may be kosher on the telly. Barbara Kelly. 324 00:22:28,780 --> 00:22:32,100 But it hinders the custodians of the law. Roger Moore. 325 00:22:32,460 --> 00:22:35,160 Do we know what's going on? Not on your nelly. 326 00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:39,760 Botticelli. No, we can't keep up with Waterman and Thor. Shut that door. 327 00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:46,990 with tit for tat and ours your father nicely thank you we can understand a 328 00:22:46,990 --> 00:22:53,310 genuine old lag oily rag but the latest one just gets us in a lava so I garver 329 00:22:53,310 --> 00:23:00,090 when they're uttered by some wily little wag Melvin Bragg now anything 330 00:23:00,090 --> 00:23:06,390 we fail to understand kiss me hand either me or my diminutive chum Thomas 331 00:23:06,390 --> 00:23:10,000 three wise monkeys we've agreed to imitate Kiss me, Kate. 332 00:23:10,300 --> 00:23:14,000 And be completely blind and deaf and dumb. 333 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:15,820 Kiss me quick. 334 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:22,360 And be completely blind and deaf and dumb. 335 00:23:24,420 --> 00:23:25,740 Evening all... 336 00:23:48,810 --> 00:23:50,110 Can you suggest something for a headache? 337 00:23:50,650 --> 00:23:52,030 I haven't got a headache. 338 00:23:54,490 --> 00:23:56,830 No, no, for my headache, dear. Oh, don't worry. 339 00:23:57,110 --> 00:24:00,730 Will you send in a cup of herbal tea, please? 340 00:24:00,990 --> 00:24:02,850 And the next patient. Thank you. 341 00:24:03,150 --> 00:24:04,150 Very good, sir. 342 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:22,320 to be the trouble. 343 00:24:26,860 --> 00:24:28,880 I have got a hatchet in my head. 344 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:32,580 Good Lord, is it? Dear me. 345 00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:36,540 Funny enough, I noticed it, but I thought it was some sort of, you know, 346 00:24:36,540 --> 00:24:37,539 sort of hat. 347 00:24:37,540 --> 00:24:38,960 It is some sort of hat. 348 00:24:39,220 --> 00:24:41,820 Yes, indeed it is. Sorry, what sort? The painful sort. 349 00:24:42,820 --> 00:24:46,000 I'm sorry, good Lord, is it causing you some discomfort? Of course it is, of 350 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:47,000 course it is. 351 00:24:47,100 --> 00:24:51,330 Oh, dear, yes, it does look... It does look rather sore, I must say. You see, 352 00:24:51,410 --> 00:24:56,090 you've got it bang here, haven't you? Right in there. Right between, you know, 353 00:24:56,150 --> 00:24:59,070 your sexual drive and your ability to sew on buttons. 354 00:25:03,790 --> 00:25:05,790 Will you do something about it, please? 355 00:25:06,210 --> 00:25:09,050 Certainly. First things first. Now, your name, please. 356 00:25:09,810 --> 00:25:10,810 Spat. 357 00:25:11,790 --> 00:25:15,550 Initials? TK. Look, I failed to see what... Excuse me. Excuse me, Mr. Spat. 358 00:25:15,820 --> 00:25:16,820 Your date of birth, please? 359 00:25:17,100 --> 00:25:18,240 August the 4th, 1930. 360 00:25:18,820 --> 00:25:19,820 Ah, well, that's it. 361 00:25:19,980 --> 00:25:21,080 What's it? Typical Leo. 362 00:25:21,460 --> 00:25:22,460 Typical what? 363 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:24,360 Typical Leo, you see, the fire sign. 364 00:25:24,740 --> 00:25:27,700 Fire, metal, hatchet. It is a fireman's hatchet, isn't it? Yes, it is. 365 00:25:27,940 --> 00:25:32,040 And, of course, it's the 11th of the month. Of course. You are bound to get a 366 00:25:32,040 --> 00:25:33,040 hatchet in your head. 367 00:25:33,200 --> 00:25:36,580 Strangely enough, I've written a paper on the very subject. Would you care 368 00:25:36,580 --> 00:25:39,500 Yes, I don't feel like reading at the moment, thank you very much. I've got 369 00:25:39,500 --> 00:25:40,500 headache. Yes. 370 00:25:41,550 --> 00:25:43,090 Yeah, but I've got a hatchet in mine. 371 00:25:44,390 --> 00:25:49,970 Excuse me, to the outward eye, the untutored eye, you have outwardly got a 372 00:25:49,970 --> 00:25:51,530 hatchet. Yeah, some of it is inwardly and all. 373 00:25:52,290 --> 00:25:53,290 It hurts. 374 00:25:54,130 --> 00:25:56,090 Excuse me, Mrs. Bass, I am the doctor. 375 00:25:56,690 --> 00:25:59,590 Please allow me to decide what hurts and what does not. 376 00:26:00,690 --> 00:26:03,570 Will you please remember? Tell me, are you getting any tingling at the end of 377 00:26:03,570 --> 00:26:05,010 your fingers? No, no, none whatsoever. 378 00:26:05,250 --> 00:26:08,690 No, all the tingling is in my head. That is possibly due to the fact... Let us 379 00:26:08,690 --> 00:26:12,450 not jump to conclusions, Mr Spat. That hatchet in the head could possibly be 380 00:26:12,450 --> 00:26:15,550 symptom of something very much worse. Worse? What could be worse? What could 381 00:26:15,550 --> 00:26:18,010 worse than that? Look, it's an emergency. Will you do something? It's 382 00:26:18,010 --> 00:26:21,030 emergency in my head here. If only you'd come to me ten years ago. 383 00:26:22,070 --> 00:26:24,770 I've come to you ten years ago. I've only just got it in my... 384 00:26:25,710 --> 00:26:27,690 A lifetime husband is sitting in the wrong position. 385 00:26:27,990 --> 00:26:31,430 Diet of red meat. I mean, you don't even know your birth sign. Of course you're 386 00:26:31,430 --> 00:26:34,190 going to get a hatchet in your head. Look, just pull it out, will you please, 387 00:26:34,310 --> 00:26:36,870 Professor? We have to treat, don't you understand? 388 00:26:37,130 --> 00:26:38,810 We have to treat the whole man. 389 00:26:39,090 --> 00:26:40,210 What about the hole in the man? 390 00:26:42,170 --> 00:26:43,850 What sort of doctor are you? 391 00:26:44,630 --> 00:26:48,290 Mr. Spat, you're living out of accord with nature, you see. 392 00:26:48,670 --> 00:26:49,209 Do you understand? 393 00:26:49,210 --> 00:26:53,610 Your ying and your yang are slightly imbalanced. Of course you feel 394 00:26:53,630 --> 00:26:55,930 You feel violent. I didn't put it in my head. 395 00:26:56,270 --> 00:26:57,890 The man upstairs was violent. 396 00:26:58,250 --> 00:27:01,470 Listen, the man upstairs obeys forces from higher planes as well. Oh, I'm 397 00:27:01,590 --> 00:27:05,350 I'm sorry. I'm just going to the nearest National Health Outpatient Department. 398 00:27:05,470 --> 00:27:09,290 Thank you very much. Oh, you ignorant amateur. You have no idea, have you, of 399 00:27:09,290 --> 00:27:10,009 the cosmos. 400 00:27:10,010 --> 00:27:13,530 Look, you're a crank, you're a windbag, you're full of hot air, and I hope you 401 00:27:13,530 --> 00:27:15,130 sit on your own acupuncture needles. 402 00:27:21,340 --> 00:27:25,200 Ingrate. Good gracious, my headache has completely gone. 403 00:27:35,380 --> 00:27:39,260 Thank you very much for that spontaneous applause. 404 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:41,980 And we'll... 405 00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:55,460 Not my fault you couldn't get tickets for Cracker Jack. 406 00:27:56,740 --> 00:27:58,700 Now, tonight, I... Cracker Jack! 407 00:27:59,300 --> 00:28:00,460 Oh, thank you, ma 'am. 408 00:28:03,140 --> 00:28:10,100 A bit late, but very good. Now... Tonight... Tonight, some of 409 00:28:10,100 --> 00:28:14,720 you may have noticed a slight addition to the picture on your television 410 00:28:15,220 --> 00:28:16,220 I better explain. 411 00:28:16,460 --> 00:28:17,880 This is due to a new law. 412 00:28:18,160 --> 00:28:20,340 The TV Viewers Protection Act. 413 00:28:20,670 --> 00:28:23,150 brackets, comedians of limited growth. 414 00:28:24,750 --> 00:28:29,910 I don't know why that should include me. Which makes it compulsory for all 415 00:28:29,910 --> 00:28:34,690 comedians under five foot with big back glasses who sit in chairs telling jokes 416 00:28:34,690 --> 00:28:36,590 to carry a government health watch. 417 00:28:37,330 --> 00:28:41,450 Well, it is fair enough, I suppose, because research does show that the 418 00:28:41,450 --> 00:28:44,130 I tell can lead to fatal illness. 419 00:28:45,130 --> 00:28:46,510 People get sick to death of them. 420 00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:52,880 So that is why we have to put up this sign. Now, incidentally, to be honest, I 421 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:55,760 have been a bit off colour myself all round lately. 422 00:28:56,120 --> 00:29:00,120 My imagination has been playing little tricks on me. The other day I was in the 423 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,520 garden trimming the big cockerel on the front edge, you know. 424 00:29:03,780 --> 00:29:06,920 And as I had picked up the shears, I swear I heard the cockerel say, not too 425 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:07,920 much off the top, please. 426 00:29:09,420 --> 00:29:14,300 All in the mind, you see. I must admit, my new car has been a bit of a 427 00:29:14,300 --> 00:29:17,060 disappointment. The Robin Reliant Turbo. 428 00:29:21,260 --> 00:29:22,860 fastest car I've ever driven. 429 00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:26,380 The warranty ran out while I was backing it out of the showroom. 430 00:29:28,260 --> 00:29:32,080 In fact, all in all, it has been rather a tragic week. 431 00:29:32,300 --> 00:29:39,140 Last Thursday morning, our little pet sausage dog, Ronnie Junior, died. 432 00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:40,480 He died. 433 00:29:40,860 --> 00:29:43,760 No, he didn't die, but he did die, and rigor mortis set in. 434 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:47,840 My wife took it surprisingly well. Within half an hour, she plucked up the 435 00:29:47,840 --> 00:29:49,400 courage to lay it out on the kitchen table. 436 00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:52,080 And by lunchtime, she was rolling the pastry with it. 437 00:29:55,700 --> 00:30:00,620 She's a little bit absent -minded, I'll be honest. I once asked her to let the 438 00:30:00,620 --> 00:30:02,920 cat out, and she was up all night with a needle and cotton. 439 00:30:05,500 --> 00:30:12,000 To cheer her up, I took her to 440 00:30:12,000 --> 00:30:18,300 Madame Tussauds for the unveiling of the new wax dummy of Nigel Lawson. 441 00:30:19,050 --> 00:30:23,290 And it was so realistic, the head fell off and the pound rose 25 cents against 442 00:30:23,290 --> 00:30:24,290 the knob. 443 00:30:25,250 --> 00:30:32,010 On with the joke, which I am bound by law to tell you is best before August 444 00:30:32,010 --> 00:30:33,010 3rd, 1876. 445 00:30:34,310 --> 00:30:38,230 And which I laughed at quite a few years ago now when I was doing a very cheap 446 00:30:38,230 --> 00:30:41,810 Christmas show in Chinatown called Jack and the Greensprout. 447 00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:48,260 It wasn't much of a part, I'll be honest. I was appearing with Dudley 448 00:30:48,260 --> 00:30:49,860 Charlie Drake as a pantomime earwig. 449 00:30:51,980 --> 00:30:55,660 And I must make a good job of this story tonight because it is actually a 450 00:30:55,660 --> 00:30:58,220 particular favourite of the controller of BBC One. 451 00:30:58,420 --> 00:31:03,760 And I have not been in his good books ever since I disgraced myself over the 452 00:31:03,760 --> 00:31:04,800 suggestion box. 453 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:07,820 I suggested they put a hole in the top. 454 00:31:12,080 --> 00:31:17,340 Which didn't go down too well. The next day he summoned me to his plush seventh 455 00:31:17,340 --> 00:31:18,340 floor office. 456 00:31:18,520 --> 00:31:20,980 My goodness, big dick. 457 00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:24,260 I've seen a flypaper in there with the red arrows stuck to it. 458 00:31:26,820 --> 00:31:31,060 And he does take a very keen personal interest in this show, The Controller. 459 00:31:31,140 --> 00:31:34,560 Every week he and the producer get together upstairs and kick a few ideas 460 00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:37,160 around. Then they come down here and kick me around. 461 00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:41,000 When I saw him this week, he was feeling rather full of himself showing off 462 00:31:41,000 --> 00:31:43,430 his... New Lacoste nose job. 463 00:31:44,910 --> 00:31:47,110 With a little crocodile over one nostril. 464 00:31:49,030 --> 00:31:54,070 Get a pigging move on in the chair this week, he said. Get a pigging move on in 465 00:31:54,070 --> 00:31:58,290 the chair with uncharacteristic eloquence. So tonight, for the first 466 00:31:58,290 --> 00:32:01,350 history, I shall dispense with any rambling and get right into the joke, 467 00:32:01,350 --> 00:32:06,690 is the one about the policeman who is out on his beat one night in the middle 468 00:32:06,690 --> 00:32:09,650 winter, five below zero. He's got icicles around his helmet. 469 00:32:10,350 --> 00:32:11,490 Goose pimples on his truncheon. 470 00:32:15,090 --> 00:32:18,330 And he is trudging around the streets, not much action about. 471 00:32:18,550 --> 00:32:20,910 He's cautioned a couple of cockroaches for curb crawling. 472 00:32:22,310 --> 00:32:26,510 Otherwise, all is quiet. And as he's standing there in the corner, little 473 00:32:26,510 --> 00:32:28,550 flakes begin to flutter down from the sky. 474 00:32:28,770 --> 00:32:31,090 And immediately, he snaps into his police training. 475 00:32:31,410 --> 00:32:32,870 Hello, hello, hello, he says. 476 00:32:33,410 --> 00:32:35,630 Little white flakes fluttering down from the sky. 477 00:32:36,190 --> 00:32:37,330 It must be snowing. 478 00:32:37,830 --> 00:32:38,970 Because he's quite bright. 479 00:32:40,470 --> 00:32:45,990 But thick with it. The forecast said three feet of snow and I've only got two 480 00:32:45,990 --> 00:32:46,990 boots on. 481 00:32:50,210 --> 00:32:52,410 Can't stop tonight, I'm sorry, I'm rushing on. 482 00:32:53,050 --> 00:32:55,950 I should have worn my big police overcoat. 483 00:32:56,250 --> 00:32:59,570 So to cut a long story short, or not very short, he hurries back to the 484 00:32:59,610 --> 00:33:03,270 you know, sort of like that, only to find his wife has gone to bed on the 485 00:33:03,270 --> 00:33:06,770 of the front door. What an unfortunate circumstance, he says, or worse to that 486 00:33:06,770 --> 00:33:07,770 effect. 487 00:33:09,420 --> 00:33:13,440 a pebble up at the bedroom window and out pops his wife's head. She says, what 488 00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:15,980 do you mean by getting me out of bed at three o 'clock in the morning? Go away 489 00:33:15,980 --> 00:33:16,980 or I'll call the police. 490 00:33:17,700 --> 00:33:21,760 He says, look, I am sorry to wake you up, dearest, but if you just throw down 491 00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:25,380 big police overcoat, I'll be on my way. So she disappears from the window, gets 492 00:33:25,380 --> 00:33:28,620 the coat, throws it down the way he goes, warm as toast, you see. Well, five 493 00:33:28,620 --> 00:33:32,720 hours later, he's back in the nick, walks into the mess room, says, my God, 494 00:33:32,720 --> 00:33:33,900 a night that was, he said. 495 00:33:34,180 --> 00:33:36,860 Thank goodness for the old police overcoat, save my bacon. 496 00:33:37,550 --> 00:33:40,490 His mate says, yes, you can say that again. By Jove. Then he gives him a 497 00:33:40,490 --> 00:33:43,930 look. He says, wait a minute. He says, here, by the way, George, how long have 498 00:33:43,930 --> 00:33:44,930 you been a sergeant? 499 00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:14,400 You're not answering, sir. 500 00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:16,960 Father? 501 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:19,960 Father? 502 00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:26,960 Oh, my God. 503 00:35:27,820 --> 00:35:28,840 What is it, James? 504 00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:30,600 It's mother. 505 00:35:31,180 --> 00:35:32,660 Stand back, both of you. 506 00:35:50,920 --> 00:35:51,920 the police at once. 507 00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:53,900 No. I don't trust the police. 508 00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,320 I find they tend to be biased in favor of the innocent. 509 00:35:57,540 --> 00:35:58,700 We need a private detective. 510 00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:01,380 Miss Marple, then. 511 00:36:01,820 --> 00:36:03,500 Fortunately, she lives in the next village. 512 00:36:03,940 --> 00:36:07,080 Even more fortunate, the great Belgian detective, Hercule Poirot, happens to be 513 00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:08,080 staying the weekend with her. 514 00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:10,480 I must go and see them at once. Yes, do. 515 00:36:12,020 --> 00:36:14,420 Two great detectives for the price of one, eh? 516 00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:17,340 Father couldn't be in better hands. 517 00:36:18,380 --> 00:36:19,380 Lucky old dog. 518 00:36:20,080 --> 00:36:21,260 fallen on his feet again. 519 00:36:25,780 --> 00:36:28,100 The mist is rising. 520 00:36:28,960 --> 00:36:32,080 I fancy the sailors are in for a filthy night. 521 00:36:33,000 --> 00:36:36,500 Really? Yes, they've just opened a new strip club in Portsmouth. 522 00:36:37,720 --> 00:36:39,940 Oh, Mrs Marbles. 523 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:42,440 You've almost slipped my memory. 524 00:36:42,920 --> 00:36:44,540 What do you make of this? 525 00:36:48,910 --> 00:36:50,530 Doesn't go with your shoes, Mr. Poirot. 526 00:36:51,250 --> 00:36:52,670 My name is not Mrs. 527 00:36:52,910 --> 00:36:57,410 Marbles. Miss Marple. I pray you, madam, do not digress. 528 00:36:57,890 --> 00:37:02,770 This bag was left behind by a visitor while we were out buying you some more 529 00:37:02,770 --> 00:37:05,550 wool. What can you tell me of its owner? 530 00:37:06,190 --> 00:37:11,170 Aside from the fact that she was a bald, fat woman named Hyde who wiped her nose 531 00:37:11,170 --> 00:37:13,930 upon her sleeve and whose husband wore a truss. 532 00:37:15,390 --> 00:37:17,690 Really, Mr. Poirot, that's pure conjecture. 533 00:37:18,080 --> 00:37:19,920 Simplicity itself, madame. 534 00:37:20,500 --> 00:37:25,000 Inside the unbag you will find a small lace hanky which has never been used. 535 00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:27,640 Therefore, she must wipe her nose upon her sleeve. 536 00:37:28,060 --> 00:37:31,860 Also, a newspaper clipping containing two advertisements. 537 00:37:32,180 --> 00:37:38,220 One for outsized corsets and the other pledging relief for earlier sufferers. 538 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:41,380 Deduction, she is fat, her husband wears a truss. 539 00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:43,040 Why bold? 540 00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:44,800 The comb, madame. 541 00:37:45,440 --> 00:37:46,800 There is no comb. 542 00:37:47,930 --> 00:37:53,430 Exactement. Who but a bald woman would neglect to carry a comb on her person? 543 00:37:53,430 --> 00:37:58,010 for the name Hyde, it is embossed upon the handbag itself, along with her 544 00:37:58,010 --> 00:38:00,230 Christian names, genuine and cow. 545 00:38:03,770 --> 00:38:04,770 But wait. 546 00:38:05,330 --> 00:38:08,030 I detect a foot outside the door. 547 00:38:09,090 --> 00:38:10,450 We are the visitor. 548 00:38:13,550 --> 00:38:14,730 Oh, Monsieur Potter. 549 00:38:15,310 --> 00:38:17,010 I almost fell over this foot outside the door. 550 00:38:19,390 --> 00:38:21,150 The bravest you did, mademoiselle. 551 00:38:22,690 --> 00:38:24,890 Oh, you found my bag. 552 00:38:25,170 --> 00:38:27,030 Oh, this is your handbag. 553 00:38:27,330 --> 00:38:28,790 Oh, Miss Martins, you must help me. 554 00:38:29,130 --> 00:38:30,130 I'm at my wit's end. 555 00:38:31,410 --> 00:38:34,350 Have a sip of this brandy, my dear. 556 00:38:35,290 --> 00:38:36,410 Tell us all about it. 557 00:38:40,730 --> 00:38:44,350 It's, um, a 1933 Armagnac. 558 00:38:48,010 --> 00:38:49,010 the case. 559 00:38:49,030 --> 00:38:50,570 My name is Agnes Pumfret. 560 00:38:51,210 --> 00:38:55,190 My father was Colonel Joshua Pumfret, who retired six years ago to take up 561 00:38:55,190 --> 00:38:59,950 beekeeping in Oswestry. Yes, the speck of grit in your left ear lobe told me 562 00:38:59,950 --> 00:39:00,868 that much. 563 00:39:00,870 --> 00:39:02,390 Try to stick to the point. 564 00:39:03,470 --> 00:39:06,150 Well, yesterday morning we found Father dead on the floor. 565 00:39:06,870 --> 00:39:08,110 It appeared to be suicide. 566 00:39:08,670 --> 00:39:12,090 The gun was still in his hand. The door and all the windows were still locked 567 00:39:12,090 --> 00:39:13,090 from the inside. 568 00:39:13,650 --> 00:39:15,670 This press clipping gives most of the details. 569 00:39:23,390 --> 00:39:24,390 Outsized corsets. 570 00:39:26,730 --> 00:39:30,370 And yet there is something about this case that no one could explain, Monsieur 571 00:39:30,370 --> 00:39:33,970 Poirot. Why, before killing himself, would my father shoot his own teddy 572 00:39:34,390 --> 00:39:35,870 The bullet was still in his chest. 573 00:39:36,590 --> 00:39:40,290 It's almost as if someone murdered my father and then shot the teddy bear 574 00:39:40,290 --> 00:39:41,290 because it was a witness. 575 00:39:41,370 --> 00:39:43,110 To make sure that he did not squeal. 576 00:39:44,230 --> 00:39:45,810 Teddy bears don't squeal. 577 00:39:47,550 --> 00:39:48,550 They squeak. 578 00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:53,220 Spare me the zoological details, please, Mrs. Marbles. 579 00:39:53,820 --> 00:39:56,900 This case intrigues me. There is no time to lose. 580 00:39:57,140 --> 00:40:00,120 Pack yourself a spare toothbrush and some knitting needles. 581 00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:01,860 We must leave at once. 582 00:40:04,220 --> 00:40:06,280 Don't forget your handbag. 583 00:40:06,920 --> 00:40:07,920 Oh, no. 584 00:40:08,460 --> 00:40:10,300 It belonged to my great -aunt in Becantree. 585 00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:13,260 Oh. I came from Becantree. 586 00:40:13,500 --> 00:40:16,580 Oh, perhaps you knew her. A bald, fat woman named Hyde. 587 00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:19,020 She wrapped her nose in a sleeve. 588 00:40:21,110 --> 00:40:22,110 Mr. 589 00:40:39,550 --> 00:40:41,790 Campbell, this is Mr. Poirot, the famous detective. 590 00:40:43,550 --> 00:40:46,830 Oh, Mr. Poirot, you're much thinner than I imagined. 591 00:40:47,030 --> 00:40:48,410 May I talk to you? 592 00:40:49,710 --> 00:40:53,270 The woman is obviously a myopic idiot. She's talking to the hat stand. 593 00:40:54,830 --> 00:40:58,350 Try to conduct me to the scene of the tragedy, Miss Pomfret. 594 00:40:58,970 --> 00:41:00,230 Pomfret? As you wish. 595 00:41:05,090 --> 00:41:09,330 Tell me, mademoiselle, did he always sleep in this position? 596 00:41:10,010 --> 00:41:11,970 He usually slept in the bed, Monsieur. 597 00:41:18,440 --> 00:41:19,440 what have we here? 598 00:41:21,200 --> 00:41:24,980 A cigarette that has singed a hole in the sheet. 599 00:41:25,440 --> 00:41:27,980 How careless some people can be. 600 00:41:28,280 --> 00:41:33,700 Smoking in bed is a very dangerous occupation. I knew a woman once. Or was 601 00:41:33,700 --> 00:41:36,000 lots? But that's another story. 602 00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:42,160 We were very lucky that the whole bed did not simply burst into flames. 603 00:41:44,880 --> 00:41:46,700 You are a silly man. 604 00:42:00,490 --> 00:42:03,350 Interesting. And that, I presume, is a teddy bear. 605 00:42:03,950 --> 00:42:06,450 And the bullet is still here in his chest. 606 00:42:06,910 --> 00:42:12,910 Tell me, madame, is there a deep groove across the bottom with a small round 607 00:42:12,910 --> 00:42:13,910 hole in it? 608 00:42:15,830 --> 00:42:16,970 What's wrong with that? 609 00:42:17,690 --> 00:42:19,690 The bullet, madame, the bullet. 610 00:42:21,770 --> 00:42:25,150 Yes, this was fired from the same gun. 611 00:42:26,130 --> 00:42:29,590 There is devilry here, Miss Nippon. 612 00:42:32,110 --> 00:42:36,330 My dear young man, I observe from this toenail keeping a fund upon the carpet 613 00:42:36,330 --> 00:42:38,490 that you are a rugby player, no? 614 00:42:38,710 --> 00:42:42,410 Good Lord, how on earth could you possibly deduce that? 615 00:42:43,690 --> 00:42:44,690 It is nothing. 616 00:42:45,070 --> 00:42:48,770 In fact, you are an all -around sportsman, yes? 617 00:42:49,130 --> 00:42:51,370 Well, I like to keep fit, monsieur. 618 00:42:51,830 --> 00:42:54,910 Of course. Do you mind if I try, monsieur Pomfret? 619 00:42:55,390 --> 00:42:56,610 Pomfret? Gesundheit. 620 00:43:01,710 --> 00:43:07,170 Mr. Pomfret, can you think of anyone at all who might have wanted to murder your 621 00:43:07,170 --> 00:43:08,170 father? 622 00:43:08,610 --> 00:43:09,990 Well, there's myself, of course. 623 00:43:10,490 --> 00:43:11,490 And Miss. 624 00:43:11,870 --> 00:43:12,870 Cousin Sidney. 625 00:43:13,110 --> 00:43:16,790 Auntie Gladys and Uncle Wilf. Mr. Widgen from the post office. 626 00:43:17,430 --> 00:43:18,650 Old Mrs. Cartwright. 627 00:43:18,890 --> 00:43:21,070 Oh, yes, yes. I take it he was not a popular man. 628 00:43:22,010 --> 00:43:24,910 We must be going now. 629 00:43:26,670 --> 00:43:28,210 Come on, Mr. Poirot. Drink total. 630 00:43:34,020 --> 00:43:36,040 Everyone has their ups and downs. 631 00:43:38,720 --> 00:43:39,760 Silence, please. 632 00:43:40,420 --> 00:43:42,980 I wish to conduct a little experiment. 633 00:43:43,540 --> 00:43:49,460 Madame Tremble, I want you to take this gun and empty all the chambers into my 634 00:43:49,460 --> 00:43:53,120 heart. Empty all the chambers? Are you mad? 635 00:43:53,880 --> 00:43:55,080 Like a terrible man. 636 00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:33,220 Yes, Madame Twemble. Your aim was so bad that at first you shoot the teddy bear 637 00:44:33,220 --> 00:44:38,780 by mistake before callously killing your own employer, Colonel Joshua Pomfret. 638 00:44:39,720 --> 00:44:40,820 Pomfret? Yeah, him. 639 00:44:41,180 --> 00:44:43,660 Why did you get out of the room and lock the door from the inside? 640 00:44:44,080 --> 00:44:45,900 And why did none of us hear any gunshots? 641 00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:49,100 There is a perfectly simple answer to that. 642 00:44:50,100 --> 00:44:51,800 If only I knew what it was. 643 00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:55,220 I think I can help, Mr. Poirot. 644 00:44:55,820 --> 00:44:56,820 Because I think... 645 00:44:57,260 --> 00:45:00,940 I have worked out exactly how this bizarre crime was committed. 646 00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:07,900 Oh, I say this won't take too long, will it? I've got two vaulting horses and a 647 00:45:07,900 --> 00:45:09,640 trampoline being delivered at four. 648 00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:14,660 Ladies and gentlemen, with your indulgence, I should like to take you 649 00:45:14,660 --> 00:45:16,620 to the night of the crime. 650 00:45:17,500 --> 00:45:22,200 Having knocked the door and all the windows, Colonel Pumphrey thought he was 651 00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:24,040 safe. But he was wrong. 652 00:45:24,620 --> 00:45:31,320 for the assassin was already in the room, concealed in 653 00:45:31,320 --> 00:45:34,460 a secret compartment underneath the bed. 654 00:45:35,580 --> 00:45:40,480 The murderer waited until the time was right and then fired the gun up through 655 00:45:40,480 --> 00:45:43,260 the mattress so as to muffle the sound. 656 00:45:44,800 --> 00:45:49,400 But what the murderer didn't know was that the bullet had gone right through 657 00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:52,320 victim's body and embedded itself in the teddy bear. 658 00:45:53,140 --> 00:45:56,580 It was then, that the murderer emerged into the room. 659 00:46:00,780 --> 00:46:03,140 Yes, Mr. Poirot, it was you. 660 00:46:04,140 --> 00:46:05,260 You were the murderer. 661 00:46:05,660 --> 00:46:09,080 You put the gun in Pumfret's hand to make it look like suicide. 662 00:46:10,040 --> 00:46:14,360 Then you lay the teddy bear over the edge of the bed and placed the cigarette 663 00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:18,560 end over the charred bullet hole so no one would suspect what had happened. 664 00:46:20,300 --> 00:46:24,780 Then you climbed back inside the bed and remained hidden in the room until the 665 00:46:24,780 --> 00:46:28,200 coast was clear the following morning. But how did the secret compartment get 666 00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:31,620 there? The man who sold you this bed, did he look like this? 667 00:46:34,160 --> 00:46:36,240 The white bearded salesman? Yes. 668 00:46:36,720 --> 00:46:39,500 Mr. Poirot in one of his many uncanny disguises. 669 00:46:40,060 --> 00:46:41,580 Curse you, Mrs. Marbles. 670 00:46:42,820 --> 00:46:45,640 Yes, it was I, me, moi. 671 00:46:46,640 --> 00:46:52,020 I was so bored that I did it to prove I could commit the perfect crime. Now I am 672 00:46:52,020 --> 00:46:54,440 ruined. But you will never take me alive. 673 00:46:54,740 --> 00:46:55,740 You understand? 674 00:46:56,220 --> 00:46:58,760 No one will ever take me alive! 675 00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:05,460 Mr. Griffiths. 676 00:47:06,300 --> 00:47:07,300 Mr. 677 00:47:07,660 --> 00:47:11,260 Griffiths, we've left your new trampoline outside in the yard. Is that 678 00:47:11,260 --> 00:47:12,260 right? 679 00:47:16,430 --> 00:47:21,310 Why, Mr. Poirot, as I said before, everyone has their ups and downs. 680 00:47:37,250 --> 00:47:42,570 Well, that seems to be about all we've got time for tonight. But before we go, 681 00:47:42,570 --> 00:47:44,810 few late items of news. 682 00:47:45,480 --> 00:47:49,480 The England football squad were training at Crystal Palace's ground again today, 683 00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:51,920 where they practiced dribbling round some dustbins. 684 00:47:53,140 --> 00:47:55,140 The dustbins won 5 -0. 685 00:47:57,200 --> 00:48:04,020 And three weeks after his untimely death, Arthur Purvis, the only 686 00:48:04,020 --> 00:48:08,040 to have his entire body covered in writing, had his will read today. 687 00:48:11,470 --> 00:48:14,970 The wife of snooker champion Tomato Potts was granted a divorce today. 688 00:48:15,190 --> 00:48:18,790 She told the court he would only make love to her on the table, and he always 689 00:48:18,790 --> 00:48:20,450 insisted on keeping one foot on the floor. 690 00:48:22,690 --> 00:48:27,270 Next week, next week I'll be talking to a lady window dresser and asking her why 691 00:48:27,270 --> 00:48:28,470 she doesn't pull the curtains. 692 00:48:29,570 --> 00:48:34,750 And here in the studio will be the world's greatest inverted snob. He 693 00:48:34,750 --> 00:48:36,370 his head so he can look up his nose at people. 694 00:48:38,540 --> 00:48:41,000 And it's good night from me. And it's good night from him. Good night.